


this is not a mixtape

by plingo_kat



Category: Deadpool - All Media Types
Genre: M/M, fake mixed media
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-01
Updated: 2018-06-01
Packaged: 2019-05-16 17:02:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,056
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14815320
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/plingo_kat/pseuds/plingo_kat
Summary: First 3 minutes 27 seconds of tape contain a repeated animation of He-Man (“He-Man and the Masters of the Universe (1983),” Mattel Inc., Filmation) laughing set to the music “What’s Up” by 4 Non Blondes.Abrupt cut to image of CABLE, ID#MUT-001857 standing in a bedroom (PROVIDENCE, ID#S-MW-P4-32.052905-54.967991).





	this is not a mixtape

**Author's Note:**

> Cablepool kink meme [prompt](https://iiintangible.dreamwidth.org/458.html?thread=18890#cmt18890) fill: _Set during the Providence era, someone leaks Nate and Wade’s sextape, and the entire planet freaks out._
> 
> I love mixed media fic, but I am also lazy, so... yeah.

 

 

 

**S.H.I.E.L.D. EVIDENCE COLLECTION**  
P.O. BOX 5028  
NUMBER 5 NOWHERE AVENUE  
IN THE SKY, PROBABLY OVER THE OCEAN, EARTH

SITE 076-3857

* * *

Collection Agent

Marcus Wright  
S.H.I.E.L.D. Office #194  
888 REDACTED DR.  
UNKNOWN, YOU WISH, IT'S A MYSTERY

* * *

**Item ID:** DM-0000824901

 **Description** : VHS TAPE, BATTERED, LABELED “EVERY TIME WE TOUCH”

 **Details:** See attached transcript(s).

 **Related:**  
DEADPOOL a.k.a. Wade Wilson, ID#MUT-000392  
CABLE a.k.a. Nathan Askani’son Dayspring Summers, ID#MUT-001857  
PROVIDENCE, ID#S-MW-P4-32.052905-54.967991

* * *

Signature                            Date  
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX             August 27, 2015

 

 

 

*

“No.” Nate eyes Wade’s – surprisingly, somehow always surprisingly – effective puppy-dog expression with caution.

“But Nate!” Wade waves around the block of plastic in his hand. His other hand also waves, but it’s holding a sword. “Think about the children!”

A pause.

“Or, actually!” Wade continues, only slightly less enthusiastically. “Think of the fangirls! And the fanboys! The fanpeople! Do it for them, Nate! For them and all the sad, horny singles out there who are just waiiiiiting for the Perfect Sex Tape to _blow_ their minds! Hah, see what I did there? Blow?”

“…You want this for yourself, though,” Nate says, slowly.

“So?” A hint of defensiveness creeps into Wade’s voice. “If I want something to remember our sweet, sweet love by when you’re off on a thirty-two issue run saving the world or something without me, is that so wrong?”

It really isn’t, Nate has to admit. Except. “Why do you want it on VHS?”

“So it can’t be hacked, of course. Come on, I thought you of all people would be into the idea of _data security_.”

“A VHS is actually less secure than… never mind. Fine.”

“I mean, you could – wait, really? YES! Ooh, take me now, I’ve already got a whole bottle of WD-40 in my pouch.”

“Wade.” Nate repeats himself a couple of times before Wade actually pays attention to him again. “Are you coming?”

“Are you _coming_ , the man asks,” Wade says. “I mean, I hope I’m going to be coming soon, but – wait for me, Nate! – yes, I’m going, I’m going…”

 

 

*

[TRANSCRIPT, CONTENTS OF ITEM ID# DM-0000824901]  
Page 1

[C = CABLE]  
[D = DEADPOOL]

First 3 minutes 27 seconds of tape contain a repeated animation of He-Man (“He-Man and the Masters of the Universe (1983),” Mattel Inc., Filmation) laughing set to the music “What’s Up” by 4 Non Blondes.

Abrupt cut to image of CABLE (ID#MUT-001857) standing in a bedroom (PROVIDENCE, ID#S-MW-P4-32.052905-54.967991).

C: Wade, really.

D: Come on, Nate. For me. Pretty please with a cherry on top?

C: Wade.

Silence, 5 seconds.

C: Wade.

C: All right, fine.

D: Yeah, Nate. That’s what I’m talking about.

C flexes. A faint blue glow appears around his torso (telekinesis) and his shirt rends to pieces. The view shakes.

D: Oh man. (Muffled laughter.) That, that was amazing.

C: Wade.

D: Was that good for you too? Okay wait I didn’t mean it Nate not the—

Tearing sounds. The view shakes more. Glimpse of bare foot, red and black cloth on the floor.

C: Wade.

D: …Yeah, okay.

View shakes again, briefly, until it stabilizes. Likely set down on a flat surface. DEAPOOL (ID#MUT-000392) walks into frame, naked.

D: You gotta be the one in the front though.

C: Don’t worry. You’ve already talked me into it.

D: Well what are you waiting for then, Priscilla?

. . .

Page 5

D: OH my Christ on a pogo stick Nate NATE do that again.

C: Shut up. I swear, you’re worse than (@FLAG: translation needed, likely Askani. Timestamp 0:9:41.)

D: (Grunting.)

. . .

Page 12

D: Oh oh oh oh but what if you used that really cool not-acid trippy bioweapon but not actually bioweapon stuff we got from that alternate dimension we visited one time, or a-ah oh god, your TO fingers.

C: Wade, shut up.

Sex continues. No further verbal discussions of interest present. Tape ends with 5 minutes 29 seconds of He-Man laughing animation, this time to the song “Never Gonna Give You Up” by Rick Astley.

 

 

*

> **b e e m o v i e** @fashionBEEsta . 5h  
>  i think im blind  https://t.co/CgjEWg38HOD
> 
>  
> 
> **iron man isnt actually IRON** @tonystark . 5h  
>  Is that…? I appreciate the view of the TO and for an amateur it’s actually pretty good (7/10) but. No.
> 
>  
> 
> **b e e m o v i e** @fashionBEEsta . 5h  
>  ILL NEVER BE ABLE TO LOOK THE XMEN IN THE EYES AGAIN

 

*

“WADE.”

“Yes, sugarbear?”

Nate takes a deep breath. “I thought you didn’t want your tape to be hackable.”

“We-ell…” Wade toes coquettishly at the floor, which looks particularly interesting given that he’s dressed in nothing but ratty boxers and his mask. “I might have thought that, yes.”

“But?” Nate sighs.

“But!” Wade looks up, the eyes of his mask open wide. “Then I thought, what if I lose it? Or forget what’s on it and write it over without looking? It’d be lost forever!”

“So you decided to put it on the internet, where nothing is ever lost forever,” Nate concludes. He wonders if he should be worried that he can so easily follow Wade’s line of thought.

“By Jove,” Wade says in a bad British accent. “You’ve deduced correctly, Watson.”

Nate contemplates being angry; he’s not shy, but he doesn’t necessarily want the whole world to know how he acts when he’s having sex, either. Another look at Wade changes his mind. The slant of his shoulders hints at genuine misery and his fidgeting fingers betrays his insecurity. Wade hates people staring at his skin. He wouldn’t lightly release a video starring his nakedness, not even if it also had Nate in the same state.

“All right,” Nate says.

“What?” Wade looks up.

“It’s already out there,” Nate says. “No point arguing about it now.”

“Aw,” Wade says, brightening up in an instant. “I was really looking forward to the make-up sex.”

 _”Wade_ ,” Nate says, aggrieved, and Wade laughs.

 

 

*

> **cyclops** @therealcyclops . 32m  
>  I hate all of you.
> 
>  
> 
>  **bigfoot is real** @hmccoy . 30m  
>  What?
> 
>  
> 
>  **n/a** @fullmetalrussian . 30m  
>  I wish to be surprised, but am not.
>
>> **b e e m o v i e** @fashionBEEsta . 5h  
>  i think im blind  https://t.co/CgjEWg38HOD
> 
>  
> 
>  **maximum effort** @chimichangas . 29m  
>  >:D

>  
> 
> **cyclops** @therealcyclops . 29m  
>  YOU.
> 
>  
> 
> **maximum effort** @chimichangas . 28m  
>  >8]

**Author's Note:**

> plingokat @ twitter


End file.
